LOVE MORE

Me. Olivia. Firstborn. Sweetheart. Pure of heart. Lovely. Lively. Learning. Growth. Struggle. Confusion. Guilt. Increased Hormones. Push. Pull. Deep breaths. Many prayers. Forgiveness.

My motto as we enter into this new territory of puberty and "tween"-ness is simple to love more.

I was listening to this podcast a few days ago and it was just what I needed to hear. I would be lying myself straight into outer darkness if I said that I feel like I am currently serving as an effective parent to this little vision of beauty, goodness and smarts. We drive each other to distraction, irritation, insanity and a heaping dose of angry. But you know what? By some merciful act by the Almighty we still love each other.

We don't know what the confounded peaches to do with one another but we love each other. We are getting in magnanimous practice at forgiveness and learning to practice calm reactions when we really want to scream our eyeballs bloodshot with rage and haywire hormones. Somehow, we got offtrack during bedtime tonight, at first all was going all shipshape, and then it went south all quick like. I commenced with a lecture and she began crying. I left the room as a grumpy mommy dragon and sat down at the computer, feeling guilty for not having just let things roll off my back.

I didn't know what to do to put things right. I considered asking for advice from some online friends. It felt no good. I got onto Pinterest--yeah right. And then I remembered the podcast..."LOVE MORE". So, I went to her room, got under her covers, gathered her into my arms and told her that I loved her. I told her that I was learning how to be good mother to a 9.5 year old- that I have never done this before. I told her that our relationship was growing up because she was. I told her I was growing up too.

 I told her that we were learning how to argue AND how to make up --always make up-- because we love each other. I told her that we weren't always going to know what to do nor would be feel like being loving in the midst of being upset with each other but that was when we both needed it the most--that we needed to LOVE MORE.  I promised her that I would pray and ask Heavenly Father every night to teach me how to love her and be a good mother her.  I asked her if she would pray and ask Him to teach her how to love her mother and continue how to be a daughter of God. She said she would. I kissed her head,  the head that still smells like it did when she was a little newborn, and told her I loved her and said goodnight.

 LOVE MORE--ask for help and guidance to always LOVE MORE. You know, I am making a vinyl project out of this. Right? One for her room and one for the kitchen over the stairs. We can do this. We can LOVE MORE.

Batten down the hatches

I was thinking about my questions this morning. I feel the need to edit them. I am focusing on two.

They are:

1) What do you need to THRIVE?

 Once again, I got this from a video snippet from the Power of Moms website. I went to bed and woke up pondering my questions from the previous post but this question kept resurfacing. I'd lay there thinking of what the other questions were and this would come without my needing to search for it.Thus my shift in focus.

 I think it'd be the ultimate therapy to have someone who really cares for me to ask me to answer this question. It may just be me and a personal appreciation for acknowledgement, concern and just plain having someone be interested in my needs but I would get a huge boost from being asked this. So, I am decided that since this question stalwartly stayed with me at bedtime and upon waking that the Lord (who loves me more and best of all) was asking me this question. He wanted me to answer this question, He wanted to listen to my answers and He wanted me to move forward knowing He'd be there to succor and encourage as I went about striving for thriving.

2) Before you can move on, what do you need to learn well?

Okay, now for the real. I am embarrassed to admit this mostly because I feel foolish. But I was writing in my hardcopy journal this morning and I went back to read a few entries. I realized that some things that I were needling me three years ago were still needling me! And thus we see a huge hit to my pride. I consider myself a fast learner and, at first,  I was disgruntled with myself for still wrestling with the same concerns. But then I realized that maybe this is my season of learning how to be a good wrestler. It takes years for professional athletes to become excellent and they do it by consistently improving on the basics and mastering the fundamentals. Although humbled, I feel less chagrined with my discovery.

It feels goods to edit, doesn't it? I love the relief of simplifying. It gives you so much more freedom to grow without self-inflicted stress. This is my time of life where my kids and I are in a constant stages of growth. Why wouldn't I need to batten down the hatches and hang on for the ups and downs and expect nothing but the unexpected. I think mommy brains long for the expected much too much and that leads to us getting all frustrated and getting in our own way. I like what Sister Hinckley said in this regard.

“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “Wow what a ride!”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley
 
I like that it makes me view life thru a new perspective. I can batten down the hatches knowing the storm of life may toss me to and fro but I also knowing that I can thrive in the midst of life's tousles. I kind of like that.
So, let me go gather some stylish galoshes, throw on my trusty poncho and gird myself with some trusty tools that will aid me in my quest to thrive...no matter the weather.

Answering the Right Questions

If I am being real (and I find great comfort in woman to woman "realness"), I would have to say that I have felt like I am clawing my way up a mountain without using proper gear and wits to get up the mountain in a less arduous, "dirt in your nails" sort of way. This reminds me of a fun college memory. I was going on a date. It was going to be fun, group outing and the guys were planning it. They didn't tell us where we were going nor what we should wear. So, my roommate and I got our girlinesses all gussied up and the guys arrived. They told us to put on different shoes. Did your sense of intrigue just peak and a looming sense of  "uh oh" enter your gut? The same happened to us. It was just before sunset. The guys had gotten us all Happy Meals and we headed toward the "Y".

I was a sophmore at BYU at this point and had never hiked the "Y". (Shh, I have lived in Utah for 16 yrs and have yet to do it still.) They parked. We got out. I could see the "Y" right above my head but I saw no trail at least not in the direction we went. I don't know whose idea this was but the guys were so nice so I went along with it but THERE WAS NO TRAIL. Just dirt and rocks and a steep incline. To get up, I had to CLAW my fingers into the dirt and grip and grapple over boulders. It started to drizzle. I am a Afro-Turkish Native American girl with black girl hair. Drizzle + black girl hair = a frizzy, drowned rat sort of coiffure. And no matter the language you say it in, it results in unlikely beauty.


I don't know how long we went. The sun had  just set. The sparkle of the Provo night scene began to illuminate the post twilight sky behind our backs and my hair was a frizzified puffball but I was bound and determined to be tough and charming because the guys were really just so sweet and nice. Someone suggested we stop and sit on this big boulder. The guys had planned a super cool date in theory. Hike the "Y" and eat Happy Meals by the grandeur of the day's resplendent end. However, our timing was off and we failed to use the trail to get us to our journey's end so as to avoid dirt in our nails and arrive in time for sunset.

Back to my being real,  I think I ,somehow, got off  my mommy trail (it was probably to take a nap or maybe go potty by myself uninterrupted) and have found myself clawing my way up my mothering mountain. I know I talk alot about mothering but hey that is what I do...ALL THE TIME...especially since I homeschool. Now, I know that what I am doing for my family is significant and I know I am doing the right thing for us in the homeschooling arena BUT I have been increasingly asking and searching for certain "Y's".

"Y" am I doing what I am doing?
"Y" is this or isn't this working for me?
"Y" is my joy quotient running dangerously low?
"Y" am I feeling less and less like the real me?


For me, it is becoming more about answering the right questions, I think. I came across a question in an article titled The Beauty of Doing What Can Only Be Done Now on the Power of Mom's website.It really struck me.  It was this,



“Before I can be ready for more, what do I need to learn to do well?”

The author then went on to say that she made a list of about 20 habits and skills that could develop in harmony with her current responsibilities and family situation. And then she started working on them.

So, at the end of her article she asked, 

"QUESTION: What, in your life, can only be done right now?
CHALLENGE: Identify 10 habits and skills that would benefit your whole family if you were to focus on them right now.  Then make those habits and skills a central part of your life."

That article then linked to another. 
Which then asked another question.
 

QUESTION: Are you getting what YOU need out of motherhood? What do you enjoy doing the most with your children? Are you doing what you enjoy as much as you can and should?
CHALLENGE: Decide on one thing you will do (or NOT do) to create more space for really enjoying motherhood this week.

These are the right questions for me to begin to ask myself and a jumping off place for me to sharpen my saw and find the right answers to the right questions. I'd be unreal if I said that I get tired just thinking about the activational energy it will take for me to be diligent in even answering one of these questions. But, I KNOW it is better than clawing my way up the side of a mountain :)

Mothering Pearl of the Day: Remember your Territory

I wanted to write this down because if I learn, remember and practice this then my frustration level as a mother will decrease rapidly. You all know this because ya'll are smart. It is this--

If you find yourself asking your children to do things over and over and over again, just get in there and do it with them. You may think they know how to do something, perhaps they should be able to do it alone, but that doesn't matter. Just get in there and work with them. Enjoy it. Take the time to -re-teach, re-train, re-connect even. ;) That reconnect is in there because you don't want to go in there with your mommy guns blazing. This should be a positive experience.

I am going to work at this for the next little bit. I want this little tidbit to influence the way I interact with my daughters. Motherhood is repetition. It is easy to forget this when you feel like you have been teaching 3 and 4 year olds how to clean their room and stay on task for at least 647 years.

They aren't likely to learn this skill by absorption or even thru the sterling example of an older sibling. This sort of thing is momma teaching territory. I just need a personal assistant to remind me of all my territories. They are getting so extensive and energy intensive I am starting to forget some of the oldie but goodies .I guess that is why the Spirit is so useful in mothering.

Hurrah for the Spirit! So, remember this the next time you saddle up, Mommas! Remember all your territories :)

What I've learned

The ever hopeful Pollyanna in loves a new day, a new beginning, a new week or new opportunity. I am in the middle of reading a sequel to a romance novel written by my amazing seminary teacher from the good ole day of high school and early morning seminary so I am not wanting to make a long post but my loquaciousness is already starting to kick in. ;)

All I really want to say is that I learned that there is always hope; that I can do things I never thought possible and I have find peace and joy in them as I rely on my Savior to carry me thru it all.

This year has been about doing things I never thought I'd do in the face of good and not so good. It has inspired me to spread my wings and not limit myself or abilities by my fear of not thinking I can.

I am gaining more and more comfort and strength in the knowledge that I am not my mistakes. That my mistakes give me the opportunity to become who my Father in Heaven knows I can become--who I am already--only unrealized. There is power in being ok with myself even in my desire to become better or change. I have to remember that I can do anything I think I can do. The little train that could sure did know what he was talking about. It is all about simplifying too. There is so much peace that comes from

I am interested to see how the year to come will be influenced by my desire to kind of dive into things that I never thought I could do. Maybe I will realize a talent in art, carpentry, sewing, using essential oils and gain landscaping skills. Maybe I will become the mother of 5. Maybe I will increase in homeschooling prowess. Maybe we will get closer in reading the Book of Mormon as a family. Maybe I will be a source of calm for the child-like calamity that accompanies my deliciously sweet and good daughters. Hopefully we will remain healthy, employed safe and have a mind to love and serve others.

Whatever comes, may we remember the Lord in all things and know that we can do all things thru Him who strengthens us and never forget whose we are and what power we have because of that knowledge.

3 days before Christmas: A Mother's Conclusion

I've been thinking. I have come to a conclusion for myself that, although it is a useful idea and true to life in many cases, I am going to stop holding the "you better be good or Santa won't give you presents" idea over my kids' heads. It doesn't work and it just makes me plain frustrated.

That said, that doesn't mean that I no longer require the best behavior they can give me. I can still catch them being good, we are still going to work on serving, giving to and loving each other and others as Santa does because he is emulating the Savior.

I think I am going to start promoting a greater effort at treating one another as the Savior does. That is what I most want from my kids ultimately anyway. We have done two activities throughout this month that have helped us feel the Spirit of Christmas more even amidst the fussy, crabby and tempermental garden variety kid behavior. I want to promote good behavior and peaceful feelings that come from doing good--doing this increases the quality of the good that we have within us and we usually want more and more of it as a result.

When it comes to gift giving, I give them presents because I want to give them presents. Just like the Lord gives me blessings even if I haven't fully been as good as I ought to have been. I do strive to give Him my best and He accepts it. Gnarly, ugly bits and all but I think He especially appreciate the developing bits. He doesn't care that I only have a sprouted bit of potential to offer. He knows how tremendous I will be if I continue to grow and cultivate my potential, especially with His help. It takes time to grow and become better and He knows that. He doesn't yell at me to grow faster--right now! I need to make sure that I am patient enough to allow that kind of quality and strong growth in my kids.

Learning to listen and obey is a lifelong practice. I'm still learning and becoming better at it. It is a behavior that I want my children to develop and seek after as well. I teach them this ultimately because it gives them practice to learn to listen, truly hearken to and obey the Lord. This is true for His prophets and apostles as well. When we learn to obey his servants, we are learning of Him; learning of His commandments, learning to become more and more like Him. That is why obedience is so key in not only their lives but mine as well.

With that, I still have my "Caught being good" chart on the wall. The girls love the positive reinforcement from being caught in the act of doing some good and kind thing. And it is an important practice for me to seek it out as well. However, I will still discipline them as needed. I will even consult with Santa as to the best ideas for his presents to them ( ie. perhaps the girls will get a group gift from Santa in the hopes that it will encourage and promote sharing and playing kindly together)...cause Santa still knows how they've been when it comes to niceness and naughtiness. Who knows, right?

All I know is that the days of dangling their behavior over their heads is over. God doesn't do that with me. So I don't want to do that with them. I am all for earning and consequences. We do earn blessings thru our faithfulness. And faithfulness doesn't require perfection. Just our best. Likewise, we all know that if you actually do what your Mom says every day and clean your room then she will be much more likely to give you that present you love (but she thinks is doggedly annoying) because you've proven that you can and will take care of said toy.

However, if a kid simply can't take care of the toys they have then maybe they aren't ready for the 1000 piece princess dress up kit. Perhaps this year, you need the discover the world of Anne of Green Gables or crazy awesome socks. Surely you moms out there are picking up what I am putting down, right?

With that, I am done. I have been dreaming of making snowglobes and snowflakes with the girls so I better get at it. First..a shower...a shower must come first. ;) Merry Christmas Ya'll. I hope you have found and are enjoying the Spirit of Christmas. I hope you are feeling a bit (or alot) of that child-like excitement the increases as the big day approaches.

I am so grateful to Mary. What a faith-filled Mother. And to Joseph, what a humble good Man. I wonder if I am doing right by my good little girls every day, I can only imagine what they felt knowing their stewardship to protect, teach and nurture the Savior of the World. Would I have second guessed my ability to appropriately fulfill this extraordinary earthly mission? Would I have been as meek, faithful and gentle as she? Would I have complained to have to travel on a donkey during the last days or weeks of my first pregnancy? Would I have been scared or resentful to give birth in a stable? Would I have been overprotective or bothered by strange men wanting to see my sweet newborn baby right after I gave birth? Would I have chosen faithful, selfless actions instead of doubt, uncertainty and fear over and over and over again?

What tremendous examples. I am so thankful for the celebration of Christ's birth. Christmas does have a feeling like no other time of the year. May we allow it to fill and nurture the best and most pure within us and renew our hope as we move forward into a new year.

Merry Christmas !!!

Swirling. Consistency. Balance. Growth.

I've had lots of thoughts swirling thru my head and as I've strived to find balance and wisdom in them I've had this thought come to my mind.

"Take good care of yourself. Nurture and cultivate the goodness and richness that is you. To do this doesn't require great means but it does require consistency to achieve optimal results. Do this regularly but never to the point that it excludes you from giving, serving and loving others."

Other things, whatever they may be, cannot "fill in" for self-nurture, especially over long periods of time. Nor should it take a back seat to other things are that seemingly much more important. Getting distracted from this, especially in times of transition, has the opposite effect than what we initially think it will. The time to self-sustain need not be long or elaborate but it must be regular.

Remember. No "fill-ins" or broad spectrum pseudo fixes accepted. There are seasons when other care takers come into our own personal gardens and do beneficial weeding, pruning or mulching but the composting, fertilizing and, specifically, grafting needs to be left to the Master Gardener. He knows the composition of our soil and what amendments and specialized treatment we require.

I could go on but I don't think I will. All I know is that I need to be better at just "taking" more for myself. I think I can be a Martha when it comes to just not doing for myself and sacrificing things that I really don't need to sacrifice. Sacrifice for sacrifice's sake isn't always prudent or needful. Sometimes, it is detrimental. I think this is a common "mist of darkness" that the adversary can use against those who are striving to do and be their best. The balance comes when we tend to ourselves in a kind and careful way and are mindful to not let that exclude that kind of tending from others.

We can take care of ourselves and then let that magnify that which we have to give. I have always known and believed in this as long as I can remember. It was a take home, better yet, a take out message my mother imparted thru her actions. BUT I think I missed an important checkpoint in getting from Point A to Point B. Inappropriate sacrificing can derail me in gleaning the benefits of that all important loving and caring philosophy.

I am beginning to think or realize that life is all about swirling about. Not really being in any type of real control. Just a series of (hopefully) connecting the spiritual dots thru our experiences and being secured to the One who gives us an anchoring steadiness while the opposite lies in wait.

Perhaps life is about having roots and wings. Remember that poem?

If I had two wishes, I know what they would be

I'd wish for Roots to cling to, and Wings to set me free;

Roots of inner values, like rings within a tree,

and Wings of independence to seek my destiny.

Roots to hold forever to keep me safe and strong,

To let me know you love me, when I've done something wrong;

To show me by example, and helps me learn to choose,

To take those actions every day to win instead of lose.

Just be there when I need you, to tell me it's all right,

To face my fear of falling when I test my wings in flight;

Don't make my life too easy, it's better if I try,

And fail and get back up myself, so I can learn to fly.

If I had two wishes, and two were all I had,

And they could just be granted, by my Mom and Dad;

I wouldn't ask for money or any store-bought things.

The greatest gifts I'd ask for are simply Roots and Wings.

By Denis Waitley

Perhaps life is about learning how to properly nurture our roots while learning to extend, stretch and use our wings--without pulling up needful, nourishing grounding tethers. Without them we'd swirl away at the whim of any gusty breeze. However, because of them we learn to stand majestically tall as we face the Sun anchored in goodness. All the while we can learn to rise, to ascend even, relying on the Sun and a flux in the air to help us remain aloft.

Maybe, anyway, just maybe.